The Sandman spoke in whispers.
Softly…a dream, a riddle?
‘No’, he said, ‘Something a little
Easier to process. But still something
Now this is more of a tale for adults,
Just go with it, laugh if you can.
There was a family of 3 bears
That lived in the wild wooded mountains.
There was a Grandpa bear, who tended
To be a little too angry…A Papa bear,
Who knew so much, as all Papa bears
Say they do…and a Mama bear, who loved,
And kind of complained, a lot, as most Mama
Bears do…and a Little Baby bear…
But baby bears don’t count yet, they’re
Not mean enough to handle the adults.
The 3 bears lived in this big big
Cave. It had all the modern conveniences,
Nice big beds, a big storage pantry
For those big hungry bear appetites…
Some old furniture to lay on…And
Of course, a nice big flat screen TV
So they could keep up with all the
Current worldly affairs. (Hey, it’s a
Fairy tale…sort of, it could happen.
So just go with it.)
The bears ate together regularly,
And discussed the daily news and
Gossip of the neighborhood, as well as
What they saw on their TV. The times
Were changing, things were getting
Tough for bears everywhere. The seasons
Were moving every year, nature was more
Intense in the woods. Even the
Fish in the rivers seemed to complain
About it, things just seemed off.
As they sat together one night to eat
Their dinner of berries and whatever meat
They could find…around their
Big flat screen TV, of course; that
Thing was always on. They could
Not help but to engage in a more
Vigorous conversation than normal.
‘What the hell is going on with this
World?’ Grandpa bear bellowed as he
Gnawed on some bones. ‘I tell ya
All you youngsters are screwing
Things up. A bear can’t even find
Peace in his own cave!’
‘What are you talking about?’ Papa bear
Groaned. ‘You slept all day, and watched
TV. You have a cave to sleep in, be
‘Don’t you sass me youngster.’ Grandpa
Bear growled. ‘I’ve had a hard miserable
Life! Back in the old days of the WW
(the wild woods), a bear survived and in his
Old age, earned the glory and respect
‘You hid in the woods, and ate fish
And ran from hunters Old Bear.’ Papa
Bear groaned. ‘Big deal, it was
Far tougher for me! I had to use
‘You hid in caves, and went out for
Food at dusk when the hunters left,
Dear…’ Mama said. ‘Lots of bears
‘But it’s smart, isn’t it?’ Papa bear
Growled with a stomp. ‘I’m a smart
Bear, I am…grumble, groan,
‘The World is going to Hell!’ Grandpa
Bear said. ‘Do you see what they talk
About on the news? I tell ya the
Commies are taking over! They’re all
The same, they’re all the same! Every year
They yell and complain. It never ends!
What’s a bear got to do to get respect
‘Hang quietly on a wall.’ Papa bear
Laughed! Ha Ha Ha! See, See, I’m
Not only smart, I’m funny too!
Ha Ha Ha! Grumble groan BURP!’
‘Yes, that’s true my Dear.’ Mama
Bear sighed. ‘Man bears…all the
Same,’ she shook her head. ‘Thank
God for Mama bears, Thank God
For Mama bears.’
‘You Mama bears have it easy!’ Grandpa
Bear said. ‘We Man bears have to
Protect and be Ferocious and think
All the time. It’s terrible!’ He lowered
His head in sadness. ‘Poor Grandma
Bear, I thought I told her not to
Cross the street. Poor Grandma bear.’
Mama bear rolled her eyes. ‘Deliver us
From this wisdom Dear Lord of Bear kind…
Savages and idiots rule the Earth.’
‘Did you say something about my
Intelligence?’ Grandpa bear growled.
‘Don’t sass me Mama Bar! I tell
Ya all you free thinking commies
Show no respect to Republican Bears!’
‘Mama bear,’ Baby asked. ‘What’s
Grandpa saying…what’s a republican?’
‘He doesn’t know what he’s saying
Dear.’ Mama bear said. ‘He got it
From the TV. Now eat your berries, and
Stop getting dirt on your paws while you
‘Commies, Commies everywhere! Out to
Kill us Grandpa Bears! Grandpa
Growled, looking around suspiciously
‘Where are they? Where are they? It’s
Those bleep bleep phonies on the
News, they’re out to get us bears, I tell
‘Quit watching that TV will ya!’ Papa
Bear growled. ‘It’s killing your brain!’
‘You’re a Commie now are ya!’ Grandpa
Bear growled fiercely. ‘I didn’t
Raise no wimpy pansy commie
Not to respect my intelligence,
‘You don’t know what you’re talking
About, you old fool bear!’ Papa bear
Said. ‘You’re a republican, I’m
Not a commie. Ya heard it on the
TV! That’s all!’
‘Don’t you sass me!’ Grandpa swatted
Aimlessly. He was half blind, but don’t
Worry, his motor skills and senses
Were equally matched.
Mama bear sighed. ‘Somewhere over
The rainbow, a beautiful world exists for me…
I settled for this, for that is the duty
Of Mama bears…Pray for peace, pray
For brains…Now where’s that honey I
Hid away for my berries…mmmmm…!’
‘Am I the only one with any
Common sense in this family?’ Papa
Bear yelled. ‘Now you all shut
Up and be quiet! You’re all stupid
And I’m the smartest. There,
‘Don’t sass me, Don’t sass me!’
Grandpa bear growled swatting
Aimlessly. ‘This world is nuts!
I know, I see it! I know it all,
Now you better listen to me!’
‘God save us bears!’ Mama bear began
To pray. ‘For we suffer from
Brilliance and insanity. Please God
Save us.’ She turned to Baby bear.
‘See, I pray for us. Now that’s a
Good thing. Do like Mommy, Baby
Bear…go on, paws together…pray…
It works. See, we’re saints now!’
And Baby bear sat there staring with
The most confused expression. ‘Mama
Bear? Is this hell?’
And the 3 bears all froze in
Shock and horror, and with big
Wide eyes stared at Baby bear.
‘Who taught you that awful
Word!?’ They said in unison.
And Papa bear roared. ‘What the
Bleep bleep f—ing bleep are
You teaching Baby bear?’ And
He pointed angrily to little Baby bear.
‘Now you go down to the stream
And wash your mouth out! Go on, Go!
What the f—ing bleep is happening
To this world?! Look what it’s doing
To our Baby bears! We have to revolt!’
‘Mama bear, I’m scared to go to the
Stream…you said it was dangerous?’
Said Baby bear…
Mama bear leaned over. ‘Now Baby bear,
If you want to say such bad words,
You have to accept the consequences and
Go down to the stream and wash
Your mouth, and paws. You’re
An independent now…all you
Have to do is avoid your ass
From getting shot. Now go on,
Shoo-shoo-shoo…go wash your
Paws now. Go on, go on.’
And Baby bear scampered off
Timidly, nervously, to the stream. (Don’t
Worry, he was OK. He was spared the
Brilliant insanity of the adults’ company,
It was actually a peaceful escape.)
And then Grandpa bear roared and
Growled fiercely, but still swatted aimlessly.
‘This world is going to hell! Damn
Commies and Republicans! Where’s my
Fish? Who took it? Who took it?
I know somebody took my fish!’
‘Papa bear, I think Grandpa bear has
Really lost his mind.’ Mama bear
Sighed while praying vigilantly. ‘Do
‘What do you want me to do?’
Papa bear groaned. ‘Pray” Ask
Aliens to save us?’
‘Oh no, aliens wouldn’t come here…
Except maybe to marvel at the
Insanity and hang danger signs.’
Mama bear said.
‘I’ve had enough of you ungrateful
Youngster bears! You’re all a bunch
Of stinking republicans!’
Grandpa bear roared.
‘You just called us Commies!’ Papa
Bear bellowed. ‘Make up your mind
‘I’m praying. I’m praying.’ Mama
Bear said. ‘That solves everything.
Ignore it and it will go away.
I need more honey and berries.’
‘Don’t sass me!’ Grandpa bear
Bellowed. You stole my fish
And hid it, didn’t you? You
Rotten republican commie bastards!’
And Papa bear stared in wonder.
‘I have no idea what he means
Any more. Is it winter yet? I
Really want to sleep now.’
‘You can’t dear,’ Mama bear said.
‘Your favorite show is on at 11.’
‘Oh oh, that’s right.’ Papa bear laughed.
‘I love that guy.’
‘You’re all stupid. ALL of you!’
Grandpa bear roared and swatted, then
Gently scratched himself with a grin,
Then roared again. ‘I’m going out
To sit in the woods! And when I
Get back…(pause)…My fish had
Better be right back here where
I left it…or there’s going to be HELL!’
And at that, Grandpa bear stomped
Out of the cave, aimlessly of
Papa bar immediately roared, ‘Don’t
You Dare! Don’t you dare go and
Shit in the neighbor’s cave again!
You messed up their rock garden
And I had to spend HOURS
Cleaning it up! HOURS! I missed
My favorite show! Do you hear me?!
Do you hear me?!’ And Papa bear
Swung wildly at the air and
Stomped his foot, then ran to
The cave entrance… ‘He’s doing it!’
He roared out to Grandpa bear.
‘You old fool! That’s the Neighbors’
Cave! Don’t you go squatting
There – Don’t you -Don’t Do it!
Bleep bleep f—bleep! He’s doing
It right there! Now I’m going
To have to clean it up, I’m
Going to miss my favorite show!
‘I’m praying, I’m praying,’ Mama
Bear said. ‘Praying solves everything,
Just ignore it and it goes away.
Pretend pretend…where’s my
Honey and berries?’
Meanwhile, Baby bear sat at
The stream playing with the other
Baby bears of the neighborhood,
Where they all shared some escape
Time from their parents’ rants,
Criticism and analysis of
Current events. And Baby bear
Led them all in one hopeful prayer
To the Great Lord of Bears, and Creator
Of all things… ‘Dear Great Lord of
Bears. Please save us from the dilemmas
Of this world, and the wretchedness
Of our parents’ behavior and intelligence.
Please give us lots of berries, and lots
Of fish. And if the world does end,
Please tell them all to shut up first
So that we can have a moment of peace.
Many thanks, Sincerely, From us Baby Bears.’