Anybody Out There?

I am. But I’ve been hiding, in a way.

Are you guys as exhausted and burned out as me? I expect I’ll hear and feel more than a few “yes”s.

Spirit Train Chronicles has always been a space where we can be honest with each other. I’m tired of not writing unless I can find something positive to say. I’ve decided it’s okay to complain and overshare – if that helps me get myself off the ground.

And I confess: the ordinary life has sucked me in for too many years now. I’d love to see this community reawaken – but I can’t even promise I’ll have the energy to follow along and comment. Or post regularly.

It’s a full-on burnout right now. I have no wondrous news, exciting ideas, channeled info, or interesting artwork to share. When I find the time to write, I don’t even know where to post it.

(BTW, I’m on FB and trying to use my Leslee Hare Author Artist page, so please connect with me there if you like)

I’m going to share a bullet list. If any of these resonate with you, let’s start there:

  • I left Atlanta in 2019 for Sweet Home Alabama. Hah.
  • Been caregiving for my Mom, pretty much most-time since late 2020, when
  • I lost a job I’d had high hopes for.
  • I had to sign an NDA to get severance pay for it, so I can’t share much about how the pandemic turned it into a nightmare.
  • But I learned that, at least in Alabama, there’s no recourse for bullying in the workplace, and
  • There’s no recourse for claiming discrimination if you don’t fall into one of the six protected categories. Autism isn’t one of them. Accommodations don’t exist in corporate business models.
  • I had another mental health hospitalization because panic attacks were a new thing to me, and depression and SI jumped on that gravy train.
  • That foray inspired me to apply for Disability benefits and awakened me to the impacts of my concussions and Autism (I had only received a diagnosis two years earlier, and was pretending it didn’t matter.)
  • I faced two years of waiting for approval, but that day came. Thank all the positive powers. I will never have to go through professional hell again.
  • Then, Mom’s house sprung a leak which forced us to move.
  • She entered a retirement facility, and I moved into a small apartment downtown.
  • It took us painful months of sweat and tears (and blood from the cat scratches) to empty the house and get it on the market. We basically did 3 house moves simultaneously. It’s a wonder my siblings and I are still speaking.
  • The house sold quickly. Fortunately, to a family that fully appreciates the amazing garden my family created from naught but red clay and a few pine trees over the span of 18 years.
  • But we still have 5 storage areas of Mom’s stuff to sort through. At some point. The woman loves things.
  • At the end of July, Mom took a fall and broke a kneecap and an ankle. Compounded by her Spinal Muscle Atrophy and three bed-bound weeks during rehab, all of our routines dissolved.
  • My brother adopted my cat Sylvie because I was freaking out over neglecting her. I feel guilty for not missing her.
  • But I’ve discovered that Betta fish are soothing and much easier to care for.
  • Tonight is the second night in two months that I have slept in my own home, and only the 12th night I’ve slept in a bed.
  • My arthritis progresses. Other ailments are still somewhat controllable – if I rest 3 days a week. On a good day, my pain’s around a 4/10. Most days it’s closer to 6 or 7. Except for my feet and hips, which often hit an 8. I use dual canes instead of narcotics, but CBD and whisky help tremendously.
  • I haven’t had time or energy for old friends, new friends, or social media, so I feel completely out of touch.
  • Mom has reached a level of independence such that I feel I can reclaim some free time once more, and I don’t know where to start.
  • I’ve neglected artwork and writing, for the most part.
  • I’ve begun watching American football because it makes Mom happy. It’s hard to write while watching football.
  • I discovered that mindless games on my phone were the most immediate relief I could afford when free time is parsed out in 15-minute intervals.

So, I’ve felt like a Sheeple for a good five years now. That’s been my ordinary world.

In Spiritual terms, here’s another bullet list:

  • Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how wonderful those super-fertile years of Spirit Train Chronicles were. Magical.
  • I still keep a terrific Buddhist library, but so much of what I see online rings of faux-Buddhism that I’ve lost interest in Eastern imports. We’re in a different age now.
  • I think about the ships, and all those beings I connected with. I know they’re still there. But I no longer have large enough chunks of time to devote to those connections. I don’t think “they” have given up on me, but I can’t reach them right now.
  • I sat down the night before last with a pendulum for the first time in over a year. The energetic swinging kicked right in, but I nearly threw the damn thing across the room. I didn’t want to ” hear” what anybody had to say because it all sounds like BS to me while I’m in this mood.
  • On one hand, I want to beg the forgiveness of somebody(s); on the other hand, I feel like tossing the “script” to Hollywood and the independent sensationalist filmmakers and letting them run with it. At least they’re starting to get to the meat of things, in their cinematographic way.
  • This week I’ve decided that posting on the Internet is the best way for me to try to get my groove back. I’m afraid it may take a while.
  • I am determined to FINALLY publish All About Enlightenment. I may even publish all four or five versions. But I’m not shooting for that in 2022.

So, there. I’ve outed all of the personal complaints, obstacles, and trepidations I can think of tonight, that have held me back from venturing online.

If this post inspires you to raise some energy, join in. Tell us – in REAL terms – what’s been going on for you. If you can do it safely. We may find it’s the best way to clear some of the heaviness lurking in the ether. I sure hope I’ve adjusted the settings to send me quick notifications. Please forgive me if it takes me a few days or a week to circle back.

Sending blessings to all of us.

Much love, Leslee

9 comments on “Anybody Out There?

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