[Translated by PinChu/Feilla2013 from an original Chinese source]
It’s in fact very difficult to get that “Attacks are in fact the sign for asking for help” because at that very moment, our negative mood also gets evoked. The solution is to experience a sense of well-being of our own existence .
I in fact heard by accident from a friend that : [ attack is in fact a sign of asking for help.] The first time when I heard this, I was just startled, having no more idea about it, and just wondered : attack is undoubtedly malicious, besides, it injures people or even provokes self-defense. So how would it possibly be the sign of asking for help ? Asking for help is on the contrary a sign of goodwill, it has to do with reliance and the will of doing exchange.
Later on according to what I got in the course of doing consultations and my personal experience of getting along with my family, I could make out this gradually. When one of my female patient told me how her husband was vexatious, blaming her for her irreverence to his parents, it occurred to me that : her husband was in fact asking for help. It turned out that her husband was in fact desperate for the bad relationship between his wife and mother. So this kind of behavior was asking for her help in the circumstances that he felt so painful and helpless, and would like his wife can understand his emotion and consideration towards his parents, and treat them as he does. However, how many people in the world are capable to express pertinently their own helplessness and as well as to ask for help? Most people turn directly this kind of mood into anger, even attacks. Via attacks, they push the very ones to make out their own critical situation and change these ones to satisfy their expectation.
However, most people show an armed state to do self defense or to prepare to defense, as their instinct. I that circumstances, the mood behind it becomes very complex, such as grievances, sadness, anger and helplessness. IN all lifetime of most people, this kind of communication mode may repeat again and again. Some other ones may turn this kind of behavior into Cold War, such as indifference, few conversation, less contact. All these are for avoiding more quarrels that are thought to cause more harm. However, at the same time they are so afraid so of becoming strangers to each other.
In my own recent case as being mad with my own family, I found that when I was in a very anger, complaining that my family neither understand, nor support me, I suddenly found that I was in fact asking for their help in distress. Since my work pressure gets enlarged, and it’s the very course that my work is at the very crossroad of changes, I need much more their understanding and acceptance. However, since my childhood, I’m not used to ask for help from the people who are closed to me, I just skipped from that kind of mood to anger, dissatisfaction and attack. Realizing this, I confessed to them that I did have such a pressure; if they feel being attacked, it was in fact a misunderstanding, as I was asking for their help, longing for getting their support and unconditional comfort.
But at the very moment when we are the very attacked object, it becomes more difficult to realized that attack is in fact a sign of asking for help. Because at that very moment, our own negative mood gets evoked, and we are blown away by it. We hence cannot calm down and make out “what’s going on exactly?” What we can see is only the ruin of the appalling battlefield, the wounded ones who respectively fall their own back, licking their wounds lonely. The wounds may even still get bleeding.
The solution hence lies in a sense of well-being, that of security and confidence to some degree. When you can center your mind, at clearness and ease, you won’t be easily blown away by this furious mood. On the contrary , your wisdom will be generated ; besides, your mind will be as clear as a mirror, reflecting what’s hidden behind those malicious attacks. [ Aha ! It turned out that he was in fact asking for my help. However, I should have been unaware of this, even had thought that he looks down on me, hates me. However, the truth is that behind this tough facial expression, he is actually asking for my help ! ] When you see this truth, your tears would drop, and you will finally get that, [ it’s in fact not owing to my fault, but that he was showing his helplessness.]
When you get this, the next time when someone attacks you, you won’t first think of defense, fighting back, guilt, even revenge, but ask “What cause him this way, and what I can do to help him get out of this. ”
Source: Hsu Tien-Sheng, “The remedy on reassurance /setting our heart at rest.” (title translated)